Wish I had a 3-hour amnesia disorder!

I went for a movie for the first time today in 8 months. Sudhakar and I took full advantage of the grandparents visiting and decided to take in a movie together... uninterrupted. And what did we decide to go for - the much hyped Ghajini. Its a remake... I have seen the original with Suriya (I have always thought he was hot - especially in Kaaka Kaaka). I really wanted to see what Aamir Khan would do to it. One of things that intrigued me about this movie is a reader review online which said - "there is nothing is this movie, it is a completely south indian one and there is nothing for us to watch."

It quite pissed me off - I mean - what do you mean its a south indian film - its in Hindi, it has Aamir Khan, its got A Rehman's score - how much more Bollywood do you want it to get. So there we were, all ready for the show. And it began - anterograde amnesia - damn interesting considering it is twice removed from its first use in the Memento. And then slowly the boredom began to creep in. Except for his face, Aamir Khan was not something I would want to look at - he looked like He-Man had a boulder dropped on his head and got compressed into a packet of muscles. All he did was growl, yell insanely and in one really wierd shot, he actually snarled like a dog at the namesake of the movie.

His memory which is supposed to snap every 15 minutes, seemed to have a memory line of its own when it came to timing - at places it was for 20 minutes, then for 30, then back to 10. By the time it reached the interval, I was ready to pack it up. But then I persisted, maybe it would improve. But nope - songs like Bachu and the Jiah Khan number a la JLo were a waste of time... I could actually go on and on...

What I really feel is that Aamir Khan was fascinated with the concept of anterograde amnesia - after you have seen Lagaan, Tare Zameen Par - you come to expect something of standard from Aamir. With his earlier movies you didnt know where time went in the three hours that you are sitting in your seat, but here... my god!!!

You don't expect Aamir Khan to turn the head of guy 180 degrees, or physically bulldoze his way through a sea of Ghajini's bodyguards, or even get the body he has considering his condition. I mean... by the time he got through all the post-its and photos he had, he would be starting all over again... where was the time to remind himself to exercise.

And for God sakes!!! if you were the heir of the country's largest telephony company, wouldn't your face be a known one. Aamir Khan seems to have built a massive aura around himself, only to burst his own bubble. Audiences are much more intelligent these days. The fact seems apparent from the two Ghajini's.. While the Tamil version was a hit, the Hindi version was not able to do the same ... Its, I largely feel, based on people perception which seems to have changed in the four or so years in between the two movie releases

Devil and the deep blue sea

I have had a great childhood. I was quite handful for my mom but nevertheless, I had a great childhood. Being the only child, many prefer to think that I am pampered silly. On the contrary, I was brought up to be a well behaved child. My faults were not ignored and were dealt with strictly, so yes, I have had my share of beatings, slaps and yelling sessions. I even remember once hitting a friends’ mom on the rear at his behest. I remember standing in front of my dad that evening trembling with fear and ultimately fainted before he could even start yelling at me.
Of course I remember all of this since I was at an age that I could remember. So its beyond me if I was yelled at as a toddler. I mean, I can’t possibly remember. And now as a mother of toddler, I don’t think I would hold it against them if they did. As grandparents today, I suddenly find that both my parents who are currently visiting, seem to be on a fault-finding spree. I don’t seem to be feeding her enough, I don’t let her do what she wants when she wants, I yell at her too often… they even went to the extent of saying that my baby was trembling when we yelled at her to pick up something that she had repeatedly thrown on the floor.
Both grandparents carried a tortured look for the next day… giving me guilt-tripping looks and oozing sarcasm through my child on my child rearing skills. As luck would have it, Anoushka is at her angelic best these past few days, making all the crankiness of the past weeks look like a figment of my imagination. And at times, I really wonder whether I am making it all up? Am I not a good mother… that my child seems cranky around me and cheerful around the grandparents? I do understand that there is the novelty factor involved and with me its just the monotony of being with me. But then I do my best…
So am I going wrong… am I not to discipline my child. I am not beating, neither am I harassing her through the day and denying her childish pleasures. But isn’t there somewhere I should draw the line. I mean, I am constantly lectured on how I should discipline her and then if I do, its all wrong. Anoushka is two, I don’t really see how reasoning will work at this age. So maybe a little fright should do the trick in making her understand that she has done something naughty and should not repeat it.
If my daughter was really tortured, do you think she would come near me. Would we have our mummy-baby moments. Would she still cry to sleep with me in the night? I don’t really think so. I know grandparents feel that their grandchildren are to spoil and that the disciplining is to be left to their children. But then hey… why fault me if that’s what I am trying to do. Being a full time work-from-home mother does have its trying times. Why can’t mom remember that… she was in my position too at one time in life.

Taking it to the next level

Its been a while now since I have watched a film in its entirety. Most of the unwarranted intermissions are thanks to my two-year-old. But I make sure I don't miss my serials. And no... I am not a fan of the glycerin factory that makes up Balaji products. I prefer the stuff of Star World and AXN. Among my favourites are Supernatural (Yes!! one of the main reasons is Jenson Ackles), Shark, Boston Legal, Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, House, The CSI series, Heroes and so many more. In the old school, Mind your Language, Who's the Boss? X Files and of course Friends are still all time watchables.
I have always had a soft corner for stuff that has a medical, forsensic, psychological, legal and paranormal basis. And there is one thing I have found across all of such serials. In each progressive season, the level of gore that is displayed gets increasingly... well icky.
Take for example The X Files - the introduction and perhaps the first two seasons made for fanstatic viewing (for a paranormal freak like me). But then it progressively began to sneak in more gore and violence than I felt justified the show.
Another more recent and popular show - Heroes - Season one told the story of Silar - a villain, who in short - had superhuman powers and went about killing others like himself to absorb their powers. His modus operandi was to slice off their skulls and yank the power out of their brains. In season one - this was shown via a painting that was done by an artist who could see the future. In season two, they showed the victims pinned to the wall and the initial incision into the skull followed by a random shot punctuated with a scream. Episode of Season three - actually showed the victim lying down, with an exposed brain, with Silar digging into the brain and then actually throwing the scalp with hair back on his victim when he was done.
Case three - Supernatural - a story of two brothers who travel the length and breadth of America fighting supernatural demons in search of the one that killed their mother. Season one - bloodshed indicative... Season two - random beheading, gutted necks and some such... caught season three - almost every episode had a overhealthy dose of bloodshed and gory faces... Season four which I caught online - is an out and out gore fest.
There are several more examples and it got me thinking - while the story lines have been strong and continue to be so... why is it considered necessary to add the unnecessary gore. Shock value, I understand, but then after a point it gets numbing and then downright boring. What is the basis of such introductions. Does the storyline become so flimsy that it needs to be interjected such senseless gore.
Anyways... I still follow these serials - of course, I do turn away if I feel queasy... but this trend in serials was just an observation. Would be glad if anyone could enlighten me :)

Is somebody out there?

Its Christmas Eve... well at least its almost the end of Christmas Eve when I sit down to write this. I guess at some point in our lives, we have always asked this question - I have too - Is there really a God out there? Of course, great minds have debated this and I don't aim to negate them. But here is my take on things - I have, for most of what I consider my mature life, believed that rather than an entity called God, there is a superior power that governs us all. God is just an etymological convenience. The cycle of life and death is ample enough evidence (for me atleast) that there is something called a balance in life. Making way if you please.
So keeping that in mind - just as there is a positive superior power, nature dictates that there should be an equally powerful negative power, which I guess constitutes what we call the devil and his legionnaires.
I wonder where the concept of good triumphs over evil came from. If that were true for every person that lives, then the concept of injustice would never have existed. Things should balance itself out in a person's lifetime. But this obviously does not happen.
Of course, I can't explain the miracle of life in this way, but then I also can't accept the often used adage that everything happens for a reason - because if it does - why does a good family lose its 16 year old daughter to a hit and run case, why are new born babies dumped in the garbage, why is such a vast population starving. If there is truly a God out there, shouldn't his benevolence bail some of his people out of their senseless misery.
I believe that there is a superior power, a force that guides the direction of peoples' life. But then I feel that this guiding force is not perfect. Just like us... this force too tries it best. It succeeds in some case and in some others it is left wanting. Maybe that's why some of us lead a balanced life and some others are not so lucky.
But I also feel happy that in man's quest for a happy life, he developed a concept called religion. Customs and traditions which give our human life hope - the hope of better tommorrow, a meaning into a life that at times can look meaningless. Its misuse and misintrepretation apart, it is a beautiful thing. And that's what struck me this Christmas Eve - that on festivals such as these, all pain and suffering some how seem better, that somewhere and somehow, things will look up. And hopefully it will be for all.

Life's little quirks

This post is with all due respect to my soon-to-be two year old. It is on a light vein and hopefully when she reads (if she does) someday, she will see the humour in it. All through college life and into my professional life, I have seen people envy dogs (i have too at many times). There is even a saying in their honour (leading a dog's life) and more often that not, it is not derogatory. All they do is eat, sleep, scratch whenever and wherever they want to, bite the ass of anybody whom they don't like and not give a damn about timing or obligations or even familial ties.
Of course, its not that I don't respect all the good values I have been taught. But there are times when you just wish to get away from it all and them all.
Once Anoushka was born, I saw a much more refined version of the same lifestyle. She came into this world after 17 hours of travel... not sure how it was for her... but it sure as hell was excrutiating for me. From day one, she kept us on our toes.... she howled her first night on earth, and right up to this day, awakes promptly at three if for nothing other than to wake us up for ringa ringa roses.
She gets all the attention, is fed the best of foods, sleeps literally with her little hiney in the air, has her poop cleaned promptly (of course, am working on making that an independent enterprise). She has not a care in the world.
This is something that has been wondered on for a long time. Life comes full circle... even as children we never seem to be happy with what our lives are. But when we have finally outgrown those years, we long to be as carefree. Its a beautiful life and one that we all enjoyed but unfortunately don't remember.
Do I wish I had such a carefree life now.... which self-respecting person wouldn't. I do love how my life has shaped out, but just sometimes, I want to be just that helpless bundle for whom all decisions came tailored and made. But what makes me happy, is to see that no matter how screwed the world, nature sees to it that we have at least this time in our child's life to show them how beautiful and carefree it is. Am happy that just as I look back and appreciate the better things in life, she too will one day.

Fashion "uncovered"

Its slowing inching towards that time of the year again. The week-long party session. Christmas and New Year back to back. For us it is more special since the last weeks of December hold many special memories - Our wedding anniversary on the 21st. Christmas on 25th. Anoushka's Birthday on the 29th and of course, ringing in the New Year on 31st. But the reason for this post is something that I have observed over the years (I still try to convince myself that I haven't put many summers behind me). Christmas and New Year masses for the Catholics is a well-looked forward to occassion. But let me add here that is not all piousness that brings people to church. Of course, Christmas and New year Bashes that are conveniently timed right after mass is one attraction. The other is the unscheduled fashion show.
Fashionistas of the city, need only to come to church on Christmas eve to take a gander at our young men and women strutting their stuff - almost always a self made creation. You have it all - plunging necklines, backlines, sidelines. More often you end up wondering if any material did go into this creation.
The men are not to be left behind - For a couple of years, it was western wear that took the Christmas fashion scene by storm - then loyalists turned to Indian outfits - and soon you would see the varying options for blouses, lehengas, saree materials even.
For those of us who want to know what the fashion scene will herald during the New Year, the Christmas Eve and New Year mass at church will offer you a good preview. OF course, I mean to say that you will find this only at the churches frequented by the lot that have the time and means to decide on their fashion statements.
While I am all for fashion and don't really have a problem where it is flaunted... I do have a problem flaunting my stuff at the God who created it. Places of worship for me, still hold the sanctity of well!! - GOD.
I still believe, if God gave it to you flaunt it - but do you have flaunt it in front of him - I mean he kinda knows what he gave doesn't he. I am not the one, who covers her hair or shoulders when she goes to church. But I sure as hell, don't have my assets fighting for space to be hidden behind my blouse. I am a staunch believer in there is a place and time for everything. So ladies and gentlemen - let the flaunting begin - but for heaven's sake, do you need God's approval before you do so. He is omnipresent - am sure he will see you even if you cover up a bit in his presence

Kidspeak

If there is one thing I have learnt from parenting it is this - its your kids that teach you the art of being cunning. Its not that I had put my noggin on a backburner all this while, but when it comes to Anoushka, my brains have learnt to scale new levels of cunning for the most simplest of tasks.
Let me illustrate. After what seemed a lifetime, I managed to potty train Anoushka - a real milestone my mother assured me. Of course there are still a couple of minor accidents around the house. And the potty training is only partial - the download for the day still happens within the confines of her underwear.
Many mothers will identify with the incident I am about to narrate. I was still not very confident of taking Anoushka out without the reassurance of her wearing a diaper. So there we were on a shopping spree and my daughter decides that she needs to pee in the middle of the Crocodile showroom. I try to convince her to do it in her diaper and she howls louder saying she wants the pot. On the spur on the moment - I held her hands, asked her to squat into position and told her to let go. I could see the relief on her face and immediately she bent down to see where her stuff went. A challenge once again - and the first thing that popped to mind was - magic susu - What??!!!. But what do you know - she fell for it and now I use it as a convenient tool. Though Anoushka does show signs on calling my bluff.
It never ceases to amaze me on how fast the children of today are - at two Anoushka's sentences are whole and grammatically perfect. Her sense of observation is scary at times. Her vocabulary can astound - I mean at her age I couldn't even garble rhinocerous and hippopotamus. It sometimes makes me wonder whether we as parents are really equipped to channel our kids the right way. But then parenting is all about trial and error and so far we have all done pretty well.

Double standards

I have been in Bangalore for a good seven years now, actually almost closing in on eight. I came here fresh out of post-grad college with a plum job already in my pocket. I have seen this city from the eyes of a youngster for whom the entire world existed within the confines of MG road and Brigade road. At that time, all that mattered was paying the monthly rent, doing my job well and partying the weekend away.
Sudhakar and me were well into our relationship then. We had as means of transport a trusty scooter that took us all over. Over the weekends when we were often out late, we often noticed cops stopping young men on bikes and giving them the breath analyser test. More often than not, our vandi too was flagged down, but the minute the cops saw me (a girl) sitting pretty behind Sudhakar, we were always told to move on.
I used to find it really wierd. I mean, is it that when guys and girls are together, there cannot be drinks involved. Then came the next funny thing. With time, we got a car, and once again we used to be out late. We used to see cops hailing cars to give them a lift to some place. But if there was a woman in the car they would not.... Why on earth is that.
Better yet. When Anoushka was born, we used to take her for late night drives on the nights she would not sleep. The cops who did try to stop us for checking would literally clear the roads for us to go but would not stop us.
Ok. Some of you may say that it was very chivalrous of them to do so. But sorry, I beg to differ. In times like these when terrorism seems to lurk around every corner, why is it that a car with a woman and child in it are exempt for the rules. In fact this happened to us again for the umpteenth time last night. Does it mean that when you have a wife and child you will not be a terrorist or one in the making. Veerappan was married and had kids, Osama Bin Laden has several offspring and wives. The person who killed Rajiv Gandhi was woman on a suicide mission.
Let's forget the fact that the above mentioned were all sensational stories. Is it not possible that a couple with their young child in tow have gone to a party, where both irresponsible adults may have hit the bottle a little too hard and are now driving home with a child. Does it not come under the purview of the police force.
Another fact Sudhakar and me debated on was that people like us are generally law abiding citizens. It would actually do our morale good, to be stopped, checked and let go on the fact that we got all things right.
It would also be a boost for the cops who will at least thank their stars that there are some people who follow the letter of the law.
Why these double standards is something that only the police force can answer.

Bribing God

When I was growing up, Mom always taught me... well! the same things that all moms teach, share your things, give to the needy and stuff like that. I was always told to do something good for others if it was in my capacity, but never to wish for something in return. As I grew up, the thought remained. I have done things, which many would consider charitable, but there has been one thought nagging me. Do I do things to bribe God into doing something good for me.
Let me explain, I do get charitable thoughts in mind and many a times carry them out, but then, as with any other human being, I too have desires. I sometimes wonder whether my motivation to do something charitable is actually driven by some personal itch. Because if it is, then the purpose of being charitable is defeated.
I don't really get upset, if I dont get what I want, I know things take time. But worries me the most is what the power up there thinks of me. I don't want to give out the feeling that I am being charitable just because I want something in return. Most of my wants are the happiness of my family and if that is given to me I don't have an issue.
Come to think of it, even I wouldn't like myself if I was doing good to others simply because I wanted to gain something. It negates all my efforts. But how exactly do you make that distinction?
Would appreciate if the One up there sent some advice my way. If not directly then through one of your minions would be good enough. :)

Blind leading the blind

I read something really funny in the paper yesterday. It appeared in a small single column on the inside pages and is almost something you are bound to miss. The piece was talking of the beefing up of security services across the state. Our commissioner Mr Bidari claims that the police force will assist in training security personnel of various public places in dealing with terror elements.
Hmmm quite strange, for I wonder which police force he is referring to. According to statistics that were released, for one, we lack the minimum number of police personnel to people ratio. Further, our policemen in Karnataka are trained with weaponry that was made before they were born (or for that matter, even before their parents' time). Next there are actually policemen you refuse to take arms that they are entitled to for FEAR of using them. Duh!!! but then what the hell are you guys doing in the damn police force... If you are scared of using arms to protect the people you are supposed to, then who asked you to join the force.
Further, and this a topic well written on... the potbellies on some of our cops will be the reason they fall prey to terrorist bullets. Those tummies will not let them run (as there is ample evidence to prove that run they will), neither will they serve as lard-ridden bullet-proof vests.
So in view of such credentials, Mr Bidari, do you actually think you can train other security personnel, to fight terrorists. Keep in mind, you will be up against, those who are highly motivated, their own lives and safety is secondary to them, their training, physical and mental is way beyond anything you may have experienced.
Trying making amends within your own ranks first. And then look at the bigger picture.

Reaffirmation of resolve

I had made a resolve when I started this blog, that I would make an entry every day. If for nothing, it would be to give myself a daily exercise in being able to think-out-of-the-box and write. Something which I felt I had lost touch with, thanks to the humdrum of our lives. But the last two days have been enlightening in more ways than one. When Anoushka completed a year of her existence, people began to ask us whether we planned for the second one. It sent Sudhakar and me in peals of laughter, coz, we couldn't imagine going through 17 hours of labour (Ok!! that was me alone, but he was with me in the labour room all the way through), the sleepless nights, the tension over coughs, colds, fevers and all those bouts of crying over God alone knows what.
Make no mistake, we were not complaining. It's just that we feel we have enough of love to give one child in this lifetime. But I always wondered what it was like looking after twins or even two children, and I got a taste of that in the past two days. I was babysitting my neighbour's child Amulya who happened to share a birthday with Anoushka. Together they were the equivalent of fraternal twins on an adrenaline overdose. Besides changing the geography of the house, their daily ablutions too seemed to be in tandem. When one was done, the other had to go. Lunch time saw me turn into a school marm - sat them down together, brought out two bowls of lunch and alternated between bites. Somehow they actually listened and sat in one place. Next was nap time... both sleep at different times and unfortunately the putting-to-sleep period overlaps. That too got done. That's when I thought I would have lunch, and catch up with some work. Hardly did I settle down to that and the one got up to whine. Put her down again and then the second one woke up. Finally an hour and half of relief. Following which both got up, both yelled for milk, both wanted to be carried till they got their bottle. And then it was back to havoc time.
And the end of each day, all I wanted to do was flop down and go to sleep. Thankfully my darling of husband allowed me to do so. But then the end of these two days was with Anoushka developing a bad cold and the cycle continues. Whatever said and done, it reaffirms my resolve - Hum do... and God help ... hamara sirf ek :-)

Humanity's inhumanity

A very happy quirk of fate - my daughter's best friend Amulya, shares a birthday with her. In fact they were born an hour apart, in two different hospitals, in two different cities. Despite living opposite each other, Amulya's mom Divya and I never really spoke to each other, till our toddlers decided to break the ice for us. From then on its was regular play dates, common eating sessions, occassional afternoon sleepovers and more.
Through it all Divya and me became good friends and have stood by each other in a lot of sticky situations. This morning Divya came home totally distraught - her father had met with an accident in Chennapatna and had two blood clots in the brain. Doctors now say that the chances of his survival are strong... but time will tell.
However, what Divya had to tell me about the ordeal was even worse. Her father skidded off his bike and injured himself at around 3.30 pm. He was taken to a government hospital. Two hours later, when the family reached there, they found him just lying around totally unattended. His wounds had just been cleaned and he was writhing and delirious with pain. Immediately an ambulance was hired for him to be brought to Bangalore. In the meanwhile, the doctors (????) at this government hospital claimed to have conducted scans and other tests and demanded that Rs 10,000 be paid or else they would not discharge the patient. Divya had no chance but cough up the money, it was the question of her father's life. As soon as the discharge papers came through, the officials wanted them off the premises, they weren't even allowed to wait within the hospital till the ambulance arrived. Only after it came did they mention in the passing that the government hospital had its own ambulance and that they fact that the family had called a private one would damage their reputation.
Uncle was brought to NIMHANS, the bastion of trauma medical care. What Divya describes next is akin to women in labour being beaten at government hospital for crying out loud. Uncle was put on drips, and once again left alone. Doctors (if thats what they are) came in to examine him and kept patting him hard on the wounded shoulder and were trying to yank it out of the shirt very harshly to so called check on the wounds. Next they claimed that an operation may be necessary but that they would wait till daybreak to observe. Early this morning, a nurse comes in to say that an accident victim who is delirious should get his teeth brushed and have a bath, incase there is an operation scheduled for the day. How much more insensitive can you get.
Finally uncle was shifted to a much more reliable Abhaya Hospital where he is recieving treatment.
Government hospitals in most countries are often very well if not equally equipped with the needs of the trade. In India, besides lacking doctors or rather doctors who truly care, we lack the capability of empathising with someone in trouble. Divya said that all around her were accident victims with no one to care for them simply because they had no money. What you see in the movies is actually a reality.

Role reversals

Its Sunday - family day. The one day when both of us can actually spend quality time with the little one - eh! provided of course that we get up on time. After starting the day on the wrong side of 10 am, all of us headed to a Korean restaurant for lunch. Though our daughter fell asleep on the way... she was promptly awake when we reached there. The minute she was up, father and daughter were up to their antics. My husband and I are complete foodies and love to experiment. While I do draw the line at some places, sudhakar has no boundaries. And I am glad to note that Anoushka too is faithfully following in our footsteps. It was heartwarming seeing them together. While Sudhakar has mastered the art of chopsticks, Anoushka used hers as drumsticks. A short while later you would have seen father join in - he didn't though coz he was enjoying the food and the fact that Anoushka was partying.

Right after we decided to go to a mall, where took Anoushka to the play pit. Today was the first time I did not crawl in with her. But Sudhakar was there - to pick her up, throw her into the balls, play ball, scream and shout as child-like as she was. A walk through the bookstore / toystore followed where both children indulged in buying themselves bubble blowers and are both at this very minute laughing themselves silly with them.

So many times Sudhakar has told me that after a tough day at office, all he looks forward to is Anoushka's goofiness. She does have a lot of it considering her parents can be credited as being the very basis on which the Looney Tunes were concieved. Seeing the difference my daughter has brought into our lives truly leads me to believe that there is a reason behind each occurrence. When we are way past the age of running behind bubbles, we have children who tell us - "Guys, take it easy, get a life"

Reality check

A little late in the day when I sit to write this post for the day. Its just day 2 of my vow not to write on the Mumbai carnage and its fallout and already I feel a sense of impatience. For some reason, this time around, there seems to be an out and out, in-your-face and all-around-you approach to the after effects of that terrible episode. So call me weak willed if you choose, but here I go again. The media is rife with that campaign against terror. Everywhere you have reports on peace marches, smses, bloggers on a manic spree, talk shows, reams of newspaper all filled with the same thing - how can India unite? How can we move ahead of the biases that primarily rule the Indian psyche and stand united?

Prominent Muslim personalities are coming out in full force to condemn the attacks and to assure their non-Muslim brethren that those that perpertrate the crimes are not considered brothers in the same faith. What surprised me when I was watching one such talk show was that it had never occurred to me that the personalities I was so used are actually Muslim. To me they were just human beings, like me, who had lady luck shining on them perhaps a bit stronger (hence them being on the brighter side of the camera). Not until it was pointed out in the show that they were Muslim did the thought actually dawn on. I am sure that there are similar sentiments in our country when we look closer at the clusters of homes that are invariably formed. Do you really care if your dhobiwala is Muslim or Hindu? Would it really matter is your paediatrician was Christian or Sikh? Would it really bother you if the auto driver who ferried you to work or your child to school was a Buddhist married to a follower of Kabbala? Would the religions they follow actual make your life any different from what you deem it to be?

When a Muslim died in the Mumbai seige - he did have a sizable number of non-Muslims who mourned his death, as did the Hindu or the Christian soul. For that matter, even an atheist would have had someone mourning for him. Death is an inevitable truth. In death we belong to no religion. It is our bodies that may go through the mandatory rituals and thats' about it. The body counts we notch up as terrorists or the millions we make in kickbacks as politicians or even the mundane life that we lead all come to naught in death. If we believe that a supreme power has infused life into each and every one of us (something that science is yet to fathom), then we better believe that the very same power is also keeping tabs on how we are leading that life. And I must say I don't think he/she (am yet to master the art of being politically correct) is very happy about what his creation is doing. And like all religions profess - he who gave life, can also take it away.

Return to innocence

It never seizes to amaze me that I am now a mother. I have been one for almost 2 years now and sometimes in the rigamarole of life, I suddenly feel overwhelmed by it all. For those who believe in star signs and stuff, me being a Cancerian would mean that home and hearth were the very reasons for my existence. Yet somehow I have always gone against the strictures of my star signs. Make no mistake, I love being a mother. Each day is an adventure in itself. It truly drives home the point my mother (for that matter, all mothers) made when I was up to no good as a child - 'You will know when you become a mother'. Life has come full circle.
My daughter is still in the uncorrupt stage of life, where she will tear a book and then honestly own up to it. She can at the same time be annoyingly difficult and heart-breakingly cute. She doesn't need to be taught to share, she doesn't need to be taught to love unconditionally, she trusts with her whole heart. She goes along with our mood swings, she can laugh at the silliest of antics and most important of all, she gets a good nights' sleep.
So when then do they become the adults that we are? Honestly, very rarely is there a reason where we do things that are not motivated by some personal gain and trust does not find a place in our vocabulary. Think about it - when was the last time we actually laughed whole heartedly at some silly joke.
Well you can't really blame the human race - it is a price we have to pay for lives we lead. But for the first time after becoming a mother, I am actually meeting a facet of myself that I would never have met otherwise. I too was once like my daughter - oblivious to the vagaries of this world and content with what I had. For me, its been a way of trying to make amends with myself. I can truly say that I have now become more patient, more understanding, more appreciative of unconditional love and more prone to finding happiness in the most silliest of actions. As much as we talk of world peace and finding our true selves, I don't really think this world is going to let us do that. But on the personal level, maybe we should try and spend some time with the young ones and see life from their untainted eyes. It may not be a life changing experience, but it just might help you look at the brighter side of life a little more often.

Get into the act

okay... this is a decision I thought of seriously. I have decided to stay away from any news that is related to the Mumbai terror for at least a week. I seem to be giving myself a headache with all the thinking that its making me do. The head wracking should be happening in the higher echeleons of power. Most of what is happening seems to be like something out of a Balaji soap - several nonsensical turns, terrible sound effects and a plot that goes in circles for years on end. That, in all probability will be the course of this investigation.

Let me turn to my mode of entertainment for this post. I have been a die-hard fan of the movies. Being a post-graduate in electronic media, I also have a sizable knowledge of movie-making and special effects, which makes viewing a movie an altogether different experience. Thanks to the birth of my daughter two years ago, our movie watching is now restricted to pirated DVDs. We happened to watch a movie titled Khuda Ke Liye recently (yes I know I am a tad late in talking about it). Though technically the movie is nothing to talk about, the plot, its intricacies and even the performance of its actors was something that many don't believe Pakistan is capable of. Besides the religious fanaticism that it derided, it showed that it too is a country that is not devoid of its own problems. Most of which we, in a cocooned lives will never really be able to empathise with.
They too are a society that lives in the hope of seeing a better tomorrow, a world free from trouble for their loved ones. The people of Pakistan too feel the same insecurity that we feel. Why then do our respective governments end up in a war of words. For how many more years do they want to drag on their differences. Almost everywhere you have international trouble attributed to a few 'small segment of fanatics'. If thats' the case they why don't the like minded people of the world - irrespective of countries - get together and become a mob that can bring down the trouble makers.

Are we being played?

Now this is a thought that occurred to me during a session in what I have alternatively call the holy place and the seat of creativity. The loo. Just as every concerned citizen, I too am zealously following all that is happening in the aftermath of the Mumbai carnage. More interestingly I am following the so called interrogation of Kasab - the captured terrorist. He was in custody when the hostage situation was still in progress.
One thing that really surprised me was that when you have a terrorist in custody you will obviously question him on how many of his kind were holed up at the Taj (since authorities till the end claimed they weren't really sure of how many were there). But this doubt was dispelled when newspapers reported Kasab as saying that each team that was sent out did not know that the other's mission was. Surprising, since they were all supposed to be leaving the place after they perpertrated their atrocities together. I mean wouldn't you know where your colleagues in crime were and what they had been up to?
Another thing I find very strange is the fact the contrasting reports on his interrogation - one day you have the man pleading for saline saying he does not want to die. The next day you have the papers say that Kasab was mocking his interrogators that his kind had given the Indians a provincial slap in the face with the terror they manage to wreak.
Yet another day you have the man spewing all the details of his life - his lowly background, sad recruitment into the LeT, the palpable threat to his family should he break under pressure and so on. At this point I voice yet another point of view - since LeT works on the basis of being jihadis - in other words those that wage a holy war, Kasab is the equivalent of a war prisoner. Basic armed forces training keeps you ready to face the eventuality of being in the hands of the enemy and teaches you not to buckle under pressure. So how does a terrorist like Kasab, with ingrained training under the marine wing of the LeT (can you imagine the terrorist "marine" wing is better armed than our own recognised forces) start spilling the beans with just a slap on the wrist. I mean he is still said to be in a hospital and so we know he is not being tortured or such. Do you really think a man who is motivated in the most twisted of ways and who can murder a small child in cold blood without blinking, will be scared of us and start talking with such lucidity?
Really makes me wonder if these terrorists are also trained in playing mind games and are actually telling us what we want to hear!

Whither our dignity?

A very close friend of mine is what you would call a hard-core Mumbaikar. Despite having her roots in Kerala, she has been born, brought up and bred in the Mumbai style of life. Now married and in London, she recently sent us all a mail that truly spoke from the heart. I quote here a few lines
" I have watched the Taj burning, and thought of my college days when entering the hotel if only to sit in the lobby and enjoy the beauty and grandeur around was a thrill and a privilege I shall never forget. "
"I love the Taj, because it is a genuine Bombay landmark - graceful, warm, and with a gentle aura that comes with having witnessed times changing and history being made.
"Which visitor to Bombay has not had a photo in front of the Taj? I was at the Oberoi almost everyday when the Disney office I worked in was across the street from it in Express Towers; I stayed there for a few days after my wedding; my grandmother worked at GT Hospital for 42 years; and Cafe Leopold is one of Bombay's 'original' pubs - all of these places hold personal memories for me and I'm sure for most Bombayiites. They are Bombay's giants, part of the city's history, heritage and its famed charm.
"The Taj, so much like an indulgent grandparent till now, will I'm sure, have water-tight security following this attack, and no wide-eyed teenager will ever be able to enter it, just to look at a piece of architecture from the inside that is as much a part of Bombay as its people."
"I haven't come to grips with the events, and I wonder - does any of you, when you look around your hometown, get the feeling that you don't really recognise it or identify with it anymore? I don't mean all of it, but some little things, a fleeting feeling maybe?I am in shock and I do not recognise this Bombay. This does not feel like my city, my hometown. I did not grow up in this fearful place. My city had too much good karma for anything like this to ever happen to it. Where did it go? When did I lose it?I do not identify with this world."
I had the same feelings when my small coastal hometown of Mangalore came under attack by Hindutva extremists. Churches desecrated, crosses broken, innocent old nuns terrorised... live telecasts showed streets so close to my home. Streets I had grown up on - with friends who didnt really give a damn which religion, street or for that matter which planet I came from.
It really hurt seeing my hometown in so much pain.
But then I guess this is a natural turn of events. You relate more to something you know intimately. Maybe this is one of the reasons why we Indians can't really seem to pull it together when it comes to uniting for a common cause. We face and follow such deep rooted polarisation which makes us indifferent to the adversities we face. It does not allow us to understand that it is this very indifference that gives our politicians and the enemy the upper hand.
Till we look at ourselves as one united country, we will constantly need the likes of a Condoleezza Rice coming to hold our hands and guide us in dealing with bully countries. Strange isn't it!!!!!!

Snug as a bug in a rug

Despite all the 'hungama' going on in Mumbai, life as we know it is coming back to normal. By normal I mean to say that the adrenaline rush that the incident brought about is receding and we are slowly going back to the mundane way of life. It is precisely this phenomenon that often allows our governments to get away with something like terror attacks. This sense of disconnect stems from the fact that we Indians don't really face an issue unless we are victims of the situation. Only perhaps then we would pick up cudgels against those that wrong us. Expressing solidarity - we do that very well. But attempt to stand unitedly to actually bring about a revolution in our political system - well I guess we may need another period of British occupation to be able to achieve that. As a country, we fail at several levels. We accept being divided at several levels - haves/have nots, religions, castes, right down to even the area of town you live in. Yes, a few lone voices of change have yelled themselves hoarse in an attempt to kick our lazy ass behinds from its cathartic state. But be honest, how many of us will truly stand out there, come heat or rain and be instrumental in change. We are as snug as a bug in a rug. We would rather watch the action live and applaud those who may have attempted to do what we think should be done. Whether we are ready to do it is a question only each individual can answer.

Rhythmn in the madness

I think we all need a change of topic. Everywhere you turn, the only thing you can hear is Mumbai, Bombs, Terrorists, Politics, Pakistan, the world is coming to an end, Aishwarya Rai and ShahRukh Khan were caught having a clandestine affair and decided to elope. Oh well! you can't really say that last one is not possible. I mean it is Bollywood. And we all need something to take our mind of the carnage that actually happened.
Point to all this rambling is basically that there are a lot of other smaller calamities that threaten to overtake our daily lives. Take the fact that the US is now officially in recession. Of course, ripples of that recession are being felt across the globe. Those who benefitted the most from the booming US economy was the IT crowd of India. I mean, overnight you went from a college grad to one with a plush job with perks never heard of before. You owned a home and two fancy cars by the time you hit 26 and you had the world at your feet. All of this of course did come for a price. Long hours, endless con-calls and the final result - absolutely no family life. My husband is not from the IT sector but rather from the architectural world which keeps equally insane hours at times. And me being a work-from-home mom really miss his company. Just yesterday I realised that he leaves at 8.30 in the morning and on a good day returns at around the same time at night. Then of course you have both me and the baby making demands on his time. Dinner, TV, chit chat, baby duty and before you know it, its 1.30 in the morning and you are dead beat. During the week we hardly get a 2 to 3 hours of quality us' time.
So I really wonder how the IT world will take the increase in working hours. Couple the extended hours with the nagging traffic and you might as well kiss your family goodbye.
I pity the families that have to deal with this. An entire week goes by with you reaching home when your children are asleep. Most of the times, your spouse too will have turned in for the night. So what then happens to the nuclear family. Yes, you have all the Cosmopolitans, Good Homes, Good Housekeepings, Woman's Eras and Feminas spewing gyaan on how to make the best of your family life. But be practical - do you really think a tired couple would be up for a "luxurious scented oil bath after a tired day at work which will guarentee you better things to come" at 1.30 in the morning. I don't really think so.
Can we get by this lack of time. hmmm there are only 24 hours in a day and there are still a gazillion things to do, so don't think there is much of choice but to go with the flow. Finding a rhythmn in the madness may be the key to it all.

Committing political hara-kiri

Its close to a week since the mayhem began. The initial euphoria of the unprecedented attacks have died down. But the aftershocks continue to rattle the bastions of our democracy. It was with this recent spate of attacks that one could say - rather sadly - that every strata of society had been affected. Right from the aam aadmi ekeing out his living, to the people with stars in their eyes on the futures they hope(d) to have, to those who were lucky enough to touch the stars - they all gained entry into the rather dismal portals of the world of terror victims.
If the context had not been so macabre the present situation would almost have been amusing. Every politician seems to be in competition with themselves (let alone with others) in faux paus in relation to the events of the past week. I mean how absurd can the "terror tour" of Vilasrao Deshmukh have been, or Naqvi's "lipstick and powder" remark or even Achuthanandan's insensitive "even a dog would not have looked at Unnikrishnan's house". Closer home our very own state labour minister is more concerned of the security of his political kinsmen than he is of the pressing need to step up the nation's security for its people.
These are people who "represent" us. The term represent should ideally mean that they reflect the opinions of the people who put them in power. And I am sure that the sentiments of the public are not what is being displayed on the national as well as international spectrum.
While you may say that we have got the government we deserve, I would beg to differ. Voting may be our duty - but look at the people from whom we need to make a . People do justice to their duty and elect the lesser of the evils. I mean, we actually have politicians - people leaders - who have criminals records that can rival the terrorists who attack us.
Can't a democracy be able to formulate the most fundamental of rules and not have criminals representing us. What better do you expect from these bunch of illiterate souls who wouldn't know how to conduct themselves on the international arena, but who would definately be able to tell you the intricacies of handling illegal weapons. Many politicians and their minions wear their criminal status like a badge of honour.
And we waste our security personnel protecting the likes of these. I honestly wonder, when it is so easy to be a criminal and gain entry into the hallowed portals of the parliament. How come it has not been infiltrated by terrorists and blown to the heavens when it was in the middle of one of its dramatic chair hurling sessions. Perhaps that would teach our politicians to keep aside their political pettiness and for a change work towards the betterment of this nation.

The next step

In a burst of enthusiasm I sent out a blast of emails announcing to all and sundry that I have knocked on the doors of the bloggers world and have managed to gain entry. A well meaning friend immediately pointed out that 'Thinking aloud' was an important subject area since increasingly one is expected to tow the line and essentially not have an independent opinion. One of my posts 'laments human desensitisation and my friend said so what's new, everybody speaks of it - what next?
We are flooded with choices and the same applies to our means of information. If you are not hooked to one of the many - newspaper, radio, TV, Internet or to even one of this, well then you would stick out like a sore thumb in your peer group. Since time is a premium for most of us, we make do with a smattering of information we gather while on the pot or on the way to office, couple this with what our friends and colleagues gathered while on similar missions and make a so called 'informed" opinion of our own. Over the years we each have become a cynic/critic in our own right. Desensitivity is but a natural outcome. Can we really change this ... I don't really see how. Evolution is the reason. We have now evolved into creatures that thrive on such goings-on. I feel that our generation can actually talk of desensitization only because we have stood at the threshold of two worlds - one where there was no access to information and the other where all you need to do is pick up your phone, punch a few buttons and voila!!!
Give it a generation or so - there will be no talk of desensitization. Reactions which we consider worthy of comment today will be passe tommorrow. Evolution will result in our society having a totally different set of emotional structures to debate on.

Thriving on misery - others not ours

Its been a while now since I stepped into the journalistic world. My formal training however has been in the electronic media and I was pretty sure of making a career out of documentary making. Why that didn't happen is a million of your everyday reasons. As a part of my training I did an internship with a company called Miditech that was then based in Delhi. I worked on India's first observational documentary called 'Hospital' which was telecast on BBC World. Besides the fact that it was great honour to see my name scroll on the credits on this international channel... it taught me one of my first lessons on the job. We humans thrive on misery.

The case I faced was of a young couple who were blessed with a child after a very long time. Only to find out in the final trimester that the child would be born with two holes in its heart. As soon as the child was born it was taken in for open heart surgery. The child made it through the surgery. Our entire crew, me included were at the hospital the whole night. And through the surgery. I was allowed into the neonatal ward and was permitted to touch the child through protective gloves in the incubator. Tubes attached to the child were just too overwhelming. The doctors looked positive and we finally decided to call it a day. I reported back to the office (which took me around half hour. No sooner did I enter the office, my producer told me that a call had come through from the hospital and that the little child was no more.
My producer was ecstatic. We just completed one entire story of the series. I was heartbroken ... I had just touched the little thing with my own hands. I asked my producer ... how do you become so detached and not feel a thing. He said, "Being detached is part of the job in the media. You need to swallow your own feelings to be able to tell of the feelings of others." A lesson very difficult to implement but one that was drilled and ingrained over my internship.
I have seen the same swallowing of feelings across channels and reporters when they talk of devastation of human life. But the flip side to it all is that there is an audience who loves all the gory details. We stay glued on to every word and visual in the hope that we can see a little more of what happened. We have seen channels fall over each other to get "exclusive footage" to ensure that you stick to their channel. How different then does it makes us from those who actually cause the mayhem. They just seem to be catering to an ever waiting audience

Hitting Home?

The recent Mumbai violence adds yet another chapter to the history of terrorism in our country. As a generation that has grown up on live telecasts of inhumane perpertrations I would say that we have reached a level of immunity of sorts. Many of us would not even blink an eye if we were to a see a death toll figure of 10-15. Should it touch the 100s, then probably we would watch a couple of bulletins more. But for some reason, these Mumbai riots seem to hit where it hurt the most. This was no longer about some nameless faces that would anyways have gone down in the banal histories of the slum world. This was in hotels we could possibly have been it, restaurants that we could have been eating in, places where we could have been taking a late night stroll. Scenes of families with small children coming of hotels after harrowing hours of captivity made me want to hold my daughter more closer. It made me wonder whether I would ever want to allow her to go out for lunch with her friends when she reaches that age. What if she never came back? What would it be like having to stand outside a hotel being pummelled with grenades and not know whether your child will make it out of there alive? Would the resignation of a Home Minister make any difference to the people whose lives will no longer be the same? Will empty promises of better security measures be any kind of salve for a heart that is broken beyond repair? When you hear of how the terrorists wreaked their horror on innocents it makes you wonder what you would have done if you were face to face with them?
You don't need to be formally educated to think in such ways. These are feelings that almost everyone across the country are feeling right now. So it makes me wonder ... don't the powers that be introspect in such ways? Bad enough that they waited for a Kashmir to happen in Mumbai ... but does that mean that there is no end to this? If a lone terrorist could hold a column of the commandoes at bay for more than 24 hours, the dark sense of determination is worth applauding. Why then can't the powers that be have the same zeal when it comes to protecting the very people who put them where they are...
At the time of writing this post, politicians are being taken on walking tour to survey the damage within the hotels that came under strike ... spotlights are being held so that their hallowed feet are not scratched on the shards of glass. The same exercise has been done millions of times before ... shouldn't we have, by now, reached a stage where we were not faced with a situation of having to conduct such terror tours ....

Baby steps into the blog world

I have never been one for change. I do have the ability to adjust or adapt to a situation I may have unvoluntarily found myself in, but would I opt for change on my own? Not really. So that's why perhaps, blogging, though a favourite pass-time with most of my friends, was not something I really thought I could do. So why do I now have a thinking aloud blog? Am surprised myself. Being a working mom, the last thing I need is something to eat into time that is almost never there. But then, there was this innate sense of wanting to vent the thoughts that are constantly swirling in my head. I am a journalist by profession and so in a sense verbal diarrhoea is an inherent quality albeit in the written form. So here I am. Another selfish reason why I decided to start blogging was to polish my abilities to write spontaneously. Needless to say that all the opinions that I voice are personal and not really meant to target anyone and so nary a soul need take offence to what may be written herewith. However, should you find that you violently disagree with what I say! Well its a free country and just as you are entitled to your opinion so am I.