I will never let go....

This was my attempt at story writing for the annual Deccan Herald short story competition. It didn't get anywhere but am glad I made an attempt. Sharing the story here.

“You have to let go, you can’t hold on to me forever, you just have to let go.”

I was dangling from a precipice staring down only into an abyss of darkness. Yet he held on tight, his eyes steely with the resolve that he wouldn’t let go. But there was no other way. “Please, let go, its better this way,” I pleaded, trying to slip away, while fighting with all that was emotionally churning within me. In those moments when I was hanging precariously, willing for the decision to be made, flashes of the last five years swept past me.

… I still remember what it was like to feel the first flushes of puppy love. It was all so strange to me – here I was still in school, in my plaits and uniform. And there he was – a slim, dusky, brooding fellow – always around when I got in and out of school, always there when I walked to my 6AM tuition, always there when I played catch in my lane. Watching… never really saying anything… always watching.

And then one morning at school, someone whispered, “Look your name is all over the school wall” – I looked around to see that every pillar on the school had my name carved on it with an I Love You. I was bowled over. The scandal it caused in the convent school, the courage it must have taken to do such a thing at night, the whole thrill to it had me mesmerized.

One day soon after, a message came through a common friend – a little note that proposed a life time together. If such was the romance, then I was all for it. A shy, but firm yes it was from me. When we first met the next day on the way to my tuition class, there were no words said initially – a simple holding of hands. “I will never let go of your hand,” he said, and I smiled.

… The first year was idyllic – cards, flowers, hurried phone calls, all this at a time when mobiles and the internet were not around. Being caught by my parents a few times brought the rebellious teen out in me and I continued with the relationship, sure that love would prevail all. And it did… for a very long time. I made the transition to college, a co-ed one at that and that’s when the first few cracks began to weave its way in.

“Why were you standing with that guy?”, “Why do you want to participate in that dance show”, “Why are you going out for lunch with the gang”, “Why are you lifting your head when you walk around the campus, decent girls watch their toes when they walk around”

To my mind, one brought up in a liberal background, these were passed off as questions from a jealous boyfriend. After all, I was in a co-ed college and so I patiently answered each one of them to allay fears of anything coming between us. To my mind, this was just a test of our love and after one particularly heated argument, I grabbed his hands, held on to them tightly and said, “I will never let you go, can’t you see that, I can never imagine being without you, I will never ever let go.”

… but there I was on that precipice, all these years later, that abyss unknown calling out to me. Telling me that it would be alright to envelope myself in darkness and despair. The weariness of holding on for so long was getting to me, my hands were growing tired, my mind numb with weakness, I felt I was no longer physically or mentally capable of holding on. Yet, when I looked up into his eyes, the steely look of resolve seemed to replace itself with a crazed one, one that seemed to say, if you let go, I will follow you to the ends of the world… I will not let you go….

… The fights were interminable; the questions more obsessive, the arguments endless… a repetitive cycle that permeated every aspect of our relationship. The romance seem to have died ages ago and in its place was a maniacal human being, who claimed that it was love that drove him into such rages. For me, life seemed to pass me by… friends that came and went; loving relationships that blossomed among others, at a much more sensible age, parents' words that now made sense. But here I was caught in a warp – the fear of letting go of the one person I offered my life to, just did not make sense to me. A few feeble attempts at breaking it off ended up in short spells of reprieve; times when those distance memories of carefree romance would come alive. And then, just as in a flash, it would all go back to the way it was.

…Things took a step for the worse, something I did not think possible, when the fights got physical. Through that too, the child-like desire to hold onto the remnants of that first love stood strong. One day, broken and shattered, I stood at the precipice, looking down into the abyss. All that seemed to welcome me was darkness… an emotional black-hole that seemed to have nothing for me but emptiness. But it seemed to beckon. Anything to get me away from the wretchedness that was now my life.

… I took that step of the precipice… I decided to let go of his hand… something I promised myself never to do. But there we were, me dangling from the cliff, willing for the emptiness to envelope me, while he held on with a determination that seemed unreal. He brought all he could to hold me on… the emotional blackmail, the guilt trip, the rage, the threats of maligning my name. But I was already dead on the inside, there was nothing that he could say that would bring me back. As we continued to fight on that precipice, his grip on me began to wane, he was losing me and he knew it… more importantly I knew it and then it happened… he let go of my hand…

… As I fell hurtling towards the abyss, there was no sign of hope. Yes, the blackness took hold of me in its tight grip. But suddenly I saw streaks of hope - at every step on the way down, friends, family and all that I held dear seemed to buoy me up. The darkness began to turn into light. The way down was a long way, and when I hit rock bottom, all I could do was assume a fetal position and wait for the earth to swallow me whole. It did not do that but instead, willed me to look up…  I looked up to see a bright blue sky, beckoning me to come touch it. I stretched out my hand and felt at its tips all that life was now willing to share with me and I decided to grab hold of its hand and never let go…