I had to pause and think for this one...
Every time I get angry... even today, after a good 35 years of living and getting angry... I have this long moment of irrationality... where I literally can see sounds and hear colors. Where I want to rip the person in front of me in half, just like I would with a piece of paper before throwing it away... Where I want to run a knife down the length of a helpless situation I am in and hope it gives way to something prettier... all of this for a fleeting moment though.
Over the years anger has taken on so many hues for me. As a teenager, I was angry at the world in general - and would scream, shout, rave and rant, only to calm down half a day later and realize how trivial the whole situation was...
As a young woman, whose first job was in the very very male dominated world of Kannada TV, I found new reasons to be angry, but never really an outlet as that would have jeopardized my job. But I found a way to get around it and perhaps that was my first lesson in manipulation in social dynamics. I did a pretty good job of it and at the end of the first year with all the men, I was one of the boys!
Through it all, my boyfriend and now husband turned out to be the balancing factor. He stood fast despite the very short fuse that I worked on. He seemed to understand and always took my irrational bursts of anger in his stride. Life taught me gradually that getting angry was normal, healthy even, but staying angry was by choice.
So even today, every time I get angry, I allow myself to be angry, for a while but I pull myself out of the situation. I give myself a time out if you please, and try to calm down and think rationally because, I have found, there is always a solution or a way out. I have done many a thing in a fit of anger and have regrets. Whether it is as a parent, a wife, a working woman, a daughter or a friend... getting angry helps, screaming out loud into a pillow helps, cleaning cobwebs helps, bashing the daylights out of chapati dough helps. It all helps channel the anger till you are ready to think... and the minute you see a way out, you will find the anger dissipating...
Every time I get angry... even today, after a good 35 years of living and getting angry... I have this long moment of irrationality... where I literally can see sounds and hear colors. Where I want to rip the person in front of me in half, just like I would with a piece of paper before throwing it away... Where I want to run a knife down the length of a helpless situation I am in and hope it gives way to something prettier... all of this for a fleeting moment though.
Over the years anger has taken on so many hues for me. As a teenager, I was angry at the world in general - and would scream, shout, rave and rant, only to calm down half a day later and realize how trivial the whole situation was...
As a young woman, whose first job was in the very very male dominated world of Kannada TV, I found new reasons to be angry, but never really an outlet as that would have jeopardized my job. But I found a way to get around it and perhaps that was my first lesson in manipulation in social dynamics. I did a pretty good job of it and at the end of the first year with all the men, I was one of the boys!
Through it all, my boyfriend and now husband turned out to be the balancing factor. He stood fast despite the very short fuse that I worked on. He seemed to understand and always took my irrational bursts of anger in his stride. Life taught me gradually that getting angry was normal, healthy even, but staying angry was by choice.
So even today, every time I get angry, I allow myself to be angry, for a while but I pull myself out of the situation. I give myself a time out if you please, and try to calm down and think rationally because, I have found, there is always a solution or a way out. I have done many a thing in a fit of anger and have regrets. Whether it is as a parent, a wife, a working woman, a daughter or a friend... getting angry helps, screaming out loud into a pillow helps, cleaning cobwebs helps, bashing the daylights out of chapati dough helps. It all helps channel the anger till you are ready to think... and the minute you see a way out, you will find the anger dissipating...
1 comment:
I loved these two lines, because I totally understand what you mean by them!
"Life taught me gradually that getting angry was normal, healthy even, but staying angry was by choice."
And '...bashing the daylights out of chappati dough' :D
Really loved this post, Ruth! Very raw, very honest and something pretty much everyone on a short fuse can relate to!
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